Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
