the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
