Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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