all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
