Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
