shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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