At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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