He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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