There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
