i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
They have beer where we have blood.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
