Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
