Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize