I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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