Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
