Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
