I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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