just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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