I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
