My sheets look like a crime scene.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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