i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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