Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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