I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
