I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
