He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
