apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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