I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
