Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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