I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
