PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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