Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
