I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
