this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
