every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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