Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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