Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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