I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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