so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
