The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
and you fell through a lawn chair
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
