I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize