I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
