just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
