We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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