We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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