If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
