Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
