i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize