I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
