Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
