So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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