She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
