I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
