the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
