We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
