I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
