I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
