his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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