Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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