nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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