i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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