I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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