you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
there is glitter all over my balls
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
